i found rm200 under my bed.

4 rm50 bank notes is recovered
i found it under my bed
i couldnt even remember when
and why did i slip it in there

Sometimes
there are things that i tried so hard to hide hence their existence are forgotten.

sleep.

i always think that sleeping is a waste of time.

your brain works beyond your consciousness
you dream of dreams that its content is beyond your control
u have nightmares,
u sometimes face things that you wouldnt even dare to think of when ure awake
u've forgotten that u might never wake up the next morning to see the sunlight
u've just took a risk that u could not afford to take.

by falling asleep.

your body stop moving most of the time in your sleep
but the whole world is still moving
the earth is orbiting round the sun
millions other people are doing things that u want to do
that u havent do, and u want to do before u die
you missed the sunrise u missed the meteor rain u missed the night

while you are lying there, just lied there
with your eyes closed
doing nothing.

you could have done things that will changes other things with the time u sleep

ha, i guess my philosophy has gone a lil too ridiculous.



i shall go to bed earlier tonight.

3 months.

3 months away from home
after 3 long months away from home
i went back to where i belonged to again

things can change so fast in a blink of ur eyes.
and in 3 months
so many things has changed,so fast,
in a blink of eyes

-

the view way home has changed
the small little hut near the petrol station has been demolished
and now its a hotel in progress

the lil garden of my house has changed
the green leafs that mom planted are all dead
and now replaced by purple tulips that seemed like they will never bloom

my parents has changed
even hair coloring failed to conceal their evidence of aging
and now some grey hair are visible, at least to my eyes.


*
have i changed since the last time i been here,my lovely hometown?
are there things in me that im supposed to keep has faded and failed the test of time?


-
ah, forgive me
im just like the town, where new things were built and old one were destroyed.
im just like the flowers, which cannot live thru the change of season.
im just a man, whom going through the path that everyman have to go thru.



im just me, that tried so hard to stay as the person who i was.

but gravity always win.

CD that i don't listen to.

there's a CD lying in my CD rack, silently
a CD of one of my favorite singer
but the weird thing is, i never listened to the CD
maybe once, but i really never bother to listen to it.
i bought it merely because of the sudden rush of desire to own something that i wish i could own.

i just kept it there,
never bother to take it out, on the CD rack under the other CDs
if its not because of the random mood swing today that accidentally brought me to the thought of listening back the CD again
i might not have listened to it till the day i die.

what is the purpose of owning something that i don't use?
full possession of things that are not supposed to belong to me

is not satisfying at all.


feed my ego.

perfect disorder.

Things are running out of their track
and im living everything in disorder


eating disorder,
double cheese at 3 a.m.
sleeping disorder,
goodnight sleep at 4 a.m.
Autism Disorders, in short , social disorder,
always remind me of the person i once was.

and a coffee at lunch time.

why everything of me are running out of places?


-
wait, things have never been in their own place in my life,
and that made me the person i am now.

how would i look like if everything is the other way round?


ah, im living in a perfect disorder.
and im keeping it.

just a dream.

i dreamed of death again.
a friend of mine passed away in the long long dream
in a short short sleep.

it was so real that i can still feel the pain now
wait, who said it was real? it wasn't...

i forced myself awake,petrified,to realize that it was just a dream
and to feel relieved that my friend is still alive
and a little sense of guilt for not waiting till the end of the dream
to see what would happen next.

what would be the ending of the story?
i want to see things that i never want to face in reality.
but the fact is i'm not even brave enough to do so in my dream.




ha, thank god, she's still alive. :)