last christmas.

Christmas never meant as much to me as I wanted it to be.
Years goes by, time slips away,
I keep on telling my self,
It's just another 25th of December,
When I watch through the window,
I can hear children playing and laughing so loud,
I can see present all under the christmas tree.

When I called home,
Trying as hard as I can,
To catch the aroma of happiness,
To feel the warmth of love,
Through the telephone line.
When I sat here all alone,
And watched the invisible snow,
Fallin’ down outside.
* * * * *.
* * * *
* * * * *
***
Maybe;
I can just step out of the doorway,
And leave my loneliness inside the empty house,
But don’t know why,
I left my heart frozen
In the cold cold Christmas,
Again.
***
*
* * * * *
* - ** - *
Merry Christmas,
i said to my self...
* * * * * * * *
** * * ** * *
********
******
wrote:25th DECEMBER 2004CHRISTMASnight

i want nothing for this christmas.

i want nothing for this christmas
santa havent give me what i wanted last year.
i wanted to go home
i wanted a dog
i wanted someone special
to ask me what i want for christmas

reindeer passed my house by
santa forgot to give me the present i ask for
i want a j200 acoustic guitar
i want to watch perhaps love
i want someone that that really knoe
what i really want for christmas

i ask for nothing this christmas
i knoe santa will never make my wish come true.

to save me from dissapointment
i wish for nothing this christmas,
so santa can finally make it come true. =>

im a person with record of plastic sugery.

actually im a person with record of plastic sugery
at least my teeth was in braces for two long years
taking care of teeth in braces aint easy at all
u will get tooth decay if the food stuck between or in or any place near ur teeth
so i have to brush my teeth day,night,after meals, or even after drinking a coke
so my doc wouldnt babble or
give lecture on the importance of brushing teeth or the correct way to brush my teeth

i remember
everytime when everytime im in a dental appointment
the doc will give me a piece of purple sweet little gummy thing to chew
and then
if he can see purple stain on my teeth
mean its not clean enough
and i have to brush over and over again
until the doc say OK

that's when i realise it's not easy at all to clean teeths with metals around them
everytime i have to stand infront of the mirror in the clinic
and brush, and brush

until my chin is kinda numbed by the menthol
but still, i brush frequently

because of this, now im kinda like addicted to the smell and taste toothpaste

i dont think i can live without it

-

as time goes by

this habit slowly devolved

from five times per day, to three

sometimes two.

+

+

next time if im in watson or guardian

or shop where u can find almost everything in there

i wanna buy a new toothbrush

and a brush specially made for the back molar

and dental floss

and a whitening toothpaste

+

+

p/s :

today onwards

i wanna brush my teeth properly, like the way i used to.

concert in my skol's main hall.

always wanted to let u knoe
people under the stage,or an audience, is also a performer.

of course,i also can say that, every living individual were performing.

the diffrence is, many little things the audience do will affect the performer on the stage. So, the one on the stage is distracted and then make mistakes, or start to think about some stupid little stuff, like wat his/her pet is doing etc.

sometimes i realise that audience are performing using their own unique way, too, using digi cam or low quality fone cam which can hardly capture anything, make calls to give live telecast to their friend in Subang Jaya, cheer for their friend, or scream for no reason to attract attention, Recording, or listening MD player, or close their eyes because they cannot stand those who is talking and making noise which is louder than the performer's.

Sometimes i listen to their chat topic instead of what's going on on the stage.

seven habits of neurotic teens.

Some of my friends have been reading "7 habits of highly effective teens". im not an effective teen, but i definitely got more than 7 share-able habits to share here.

7 habits of mine:

1. when eating chicken wings, i counted how many chickens were killed. well, not much ppl know i actually doing this all the time, but i have been doing this for the past few years.
2. some ppl can sleep with their jeans and shoes on,oh god i wonder how they do it. i wear at MOST 2 piece of cloth or below, and must bathe at MOST half and hour b4 i off to bed. if not it's impossble for me to get a good sleep.
3. cannot sleep if there's any source of light. even the blue LED lights of graphic card of my comp can interrupt me.
4. must read something while poo-ing, it can be in any source. if there wasnt any book, i'd read the label or tag of shampoo, or even toothpaste's. if not, my poos cant seem to find their way out.
5. listen to the same song over and over again. if there's any favorite song of the day, i will listen to it for a long whole day. the record is bout 16 hours of a single track. glad my ex-roommate make it through.oh ,is tat one of the reason he's my ex-roommate?
6. im half naked most of the time in my room/home. after a bathe of course i'll get nicely dressed, but the cloth on my upper body can stay no longer than half and hour. sometimes even minutes. i think the wheather in malaysia is hot.
7. must wear perfume everytime i step out of my door. should i say i must make sure i smell good. there's a story behind it.

definition of "habit":

a settled or regular tendency or practice, especially one that is hard to give up.

7 habits of peoples around me:

1. drink a lil too much water. i heard this causes death. but my friend still going strong.
2. likes to sing loudly staring at the windows media player or winamp. act like there's a mic in front of him, almost everyday.
3. use their leg to flush the public toilet.
4. like to run-on-the-spot while showering in the bathroom, or jump here and there, or do push-up in that tight little square space.
5. like to test/try/eat/drink friend's food or drink. a good example of SHARING among frens.
6. 3 of my friends BURP really hard, IN PUBLIC. and can u imagine 3 in a group that burp frequently and loudly? i think that's what makes the history teacher cry in the class,hmm, they just cant help it.
7. spent bout 2 hours per day or 1/12 of his lifetime staring in the mirror.

well, i think a habit is something ure doing almost everyday but sometimes u just didnt realize it until u give a thought bout it. so , what's urs ?

p/s: i got a weird habit, i read my own post over and over again.

my room is cleaner than yours.

Some people like to bring me down

starts with different stupid reason why im single

(that's the prime reason me and blake start blogging,

to express our anger towards those who likes to bring ppl down )

continue with my too-laid-back attitude,

and even end with im a person with no personality

and many many other small little stupid things.

who can tell me what ppl mean when they say u got no personality?

yea, i'd just say,

they dont know me at all.

/

i got an ocean here.

/

/

gotta admit i hate to hear those words spoken,

it's like u got no where to hide when ure naked in the public

especially when some fuckers reveal ur weakness in front of everyone.

-

it hurts like spades slicing thru ur heart.

/

/

sigh,

i guess the only thing i can do is to tell myself

that criticism and negative words is only

the vibration of the voice box and windpipe in ur throat

and then

it transformed into an uncomfortable bed

get use to it

or find another person who can give u a comfort one!

/

-

/

dont tell me what i have to do.

i do what i like and i like what i do

and i definitely know what im doing now.

whether it's right or wrong for you.

dont teach me how to live

coz it's not for you.

/

/

always,

it's impossible to keep everyone around you happy,

but at least,

i kept myself feeling this way.

*

i know where im heading to.

*

/

p/s : my room is now cleaner than urs. :p

the piano.

Yesterday i saw the advertisement of pianos in the newspaper
there were normal piano, second hand one , and the grand piano.
grand piano : priced from rm62,800+.
wow, tat's a nice one i think, stated there: richard clayderman( ???) and ray charles' choice..
_
i always wanted a piano, since i was young
but my family couldnt afford it,

so i like to stay back after my primary school class
and watch my teacher plays the piano
i like to stretch out the window
and listen to the girl next door plays the piano,
altho sometimes my mom think it's very noisy
and it's very unfortunate to have such neighbour
but still, i like the way every little parts in the piano
hitting against each other and then come out with amazing tune

the perfect combination of black and white keys

always never fail to attract my ear.

_

actually i envied those who got the chance, altho none of them seems to appreciate it

_

i never really know how to play a piano though

forgive me,

i never get the chance i wanted

i got no professional lessons

but everytime i lay my hand on the instrument

i manage to come out with some untitled melody

i feel like im so close to it

altho the fact that im not.

im so far away from it. =(

_

_

_

i tell myself

one day im gonna own this beautiful stranger,

the piano.

_

_

_

p/s : imagine a grandpiano in ur castle, get the picture? how beautiful

today is a good day to forget about cleaning up my room.

Today is a good day (it's normal for ppl to mention the wheather in their blog,isnt??)
it's raining (well, some ppl dont know)
but the sun still shines
thru the window im waiting for the rainbow
it's too long ago since the last time the world outside my window is so sweet

my room is still very messy though
like my bag
like my table
like my hair
like my life
i wanted to clean everything up, so much
and because of some stupid reason, i didnt
and in the mean time

my body started to get used to this latin-style of messiness
oh, make me feel like this is some kinda beauty, from a diffrent point of view
it's art, like picasso's painting or chopin's tune
i dont think i'll feel any comfortable than this even if everything is on their place

pen on my bed and notebook under the pillow
or jeans on my comp monitor
eks, i dont like this, no.

hey,but it's kinda exercise too when i have to look for my keys, wallet, or handfon almost everytime before i leave my house!

before the day i FINALy got the motivation needed to clean up my room, im gonna live my life like this, not a mess, just a lil bit..er.. un.tidy :p

p/s : today is a good day to forget about cleaning up my room

not single.

Love is like a long vacation,
and on my way to my destination
glad i found you.

just be there,
and comfort me when im down & feeling blue
be there,
and listen to me, with ur heart open.
just be there,
and let me hold and love you.
be there
when i need someone to go to
just be there,
when i need some warmth,
after a long day in the cold cold world.

altho im not sure,
that i will survive till tommorow
altho im not sure
there will be someone else that will love me more than u do
altho im not sure,
that ure the one for me till the end of the road.

before the day when we really have to say goodbye
let's hold each other as tight as we could,
and thank god,

we have each other.






p/s oh no im single! u think its fun?

untitled.

The town wasn't asleep,
light-winged smoke filled every inch of the room
the fast, heavy techno
emotionlessly banged my eardrum
rhythm of digital basses,
a hundred times faster than the tempo of my heartbeat
the devil's saliva
filled my stomach
and soon,
flowed thru my body, and my blood.

the body forgets about tireness
continued to move with the beat
the mind forgets about sunlight
under the dimmed neons
the soul forgets about losing itself
in the space
crowded with lonely souls.

*-I want to finish the happiness i borrowed from tomorrow,
before the end of the music.

the update.

update ur damn blog, i tell myself.

-

it's been 2 days since i last updated the blog, not that im out of things to write. blake and me started the blog together and now seems like he's actively updating the blog,daily. and it's full of intresting stuff! congrats blake! that's what makes a reader wanna come back and read again(but not some boring report of daily activities). yea, blake's post really got me losing my confidence in writing, have to admit this!

-

starting to wonder :

is there anyone who is free enough to read my little feelings?

is there anyone who can stand my frequent spelling and grammar mistakes?

is there anyone who is willing to share my thoughts and my philosophy?

-

i realize there WILL be responsibilities once u become a writer.

-

even if ure writing a short story, u have to be careful so it wont hurt anyone's feeling.

once u started a novel, u HAVE to continue. like J.K.Rowling of Harry Potter.

i must write with and report correctly, it might become the base of my memories,ten or twenty years later.

-

um, it's not competition or what, im not that kinda man who wants to pursue greatness,at least for now im that dreamer who wants to live like an artist who can enjoy life to the FULLEST and forget about archivement, aww..sounds like a jerk rite? but aint it.. ,er peaceful ?

this is the result i got from a personality test.

-

which i think is quite true about me. i know myself more than anyone else.

-

I'm Type B

Type B personalities are relaxed and have a laid-back attitude and posture. They are friendly, accepting, patient, at ease, and generally content. They are at peace with themselves and others. They show a general sense of harmony with people, events, and life circumstances. They tend to be trusting. They focus on the positive aspects of things, people and events. Type B folks are self-encouraging, have inner motivation, are stable and have a pleasant mood. They are interested in others and accept trivial mistakes. They have an accepting attitude about trivial mistakes and a problem-solving attitude about major mistakes. They are flexible and good team members. The Type B person is able to lead and be led.

-

oh back to the confidence part,so what im trying to say is,

-

the lost of my confidence is not like a football game, when 11 taller opponents are standing there facing you ,and u feel weak. no, it's not.

-

-

- - - -im the one sitting in front of the tv with chips in his mouth, watching the game.

-

-

p/s : i was out with g42 till 3 am on the 30th of november and with my fren raymond till 5 am on the 1st of december.tat's the prime reason y i din update my blog. of course i'll continue to update! altho blake is good, but i got my own style OK !? goodnite.

mind.

My psychology class isnt as intresting as i thought it would be.

psychology studies gave me an "magical" impression since i was just a kid. i always wanted to study psychology and be a psychologist. i want to be like some mind reading psycho freak who can really freak ppl out with the ability. like David Blaine.

now the dream seems to fade away because of what im experiencing here in my psychology class.

what i had in mind about psychology:
1. how to distinguish fake and genuine smile. (basic)
2. understand why teens like to watch the OC.
3. mind reading, like i can know someone is thinking of an ice cream or cake just by looking in their eyes. (higher level)
4. how to tell if someone is in love with you simply by observing their movement. (intermediate)
5. if u blink ur eye for more than 26 times in a minute, ure most probably telling a lie.

what i am studying in my psychology class now:
1. human body.
2. diffrent types of perception
3. function of the brain
4. endocrine system
5. major sense, eyesight, hearing, Gustation (taste) etc

i mean, this is kinda intresting, but its boring .(?) i understand it's a basic of studying human being, like if u wanna go diving , first u have to know how to wear all those equipment rite?. and too bad, i got hard time wearing those equiptment. maybe i'll die in the suit even before i got into the water.

* * *

if only i can read your mind,

i wouldnt have to wonder if ure thinking of me, or not.

if only i can read your mind,

u wouldnt have to cry alone in the night. heart broken.

_

_

no..

even if i can read your mind

but i cant win back ur soul. uve given it to him.

even if i can read ur mind

can i ever accept the fact that u never loved me?

even if i can read ur mind

will i ever know where your heart wants to go?

_

_

i'd rather let u read mine

so that u'll see what's inside.

_

_

-mind is just a portion of you.

it's not everything.-

November 30 2005

time;date.

I realize this blog cannot automatically record the date of posting, we have to type the date out manually.

date is important, althought me myself cannot remember the birth date of my own parents till i was aged 19 (opps no, i think ive forgotten my mommy's). but i remember some of my friends'. i remember i wrote my first love letter on the 26th of november, 2002,10.15pm and my first song on the 22nd of october, 2003(time not stated). i remember my birthdate is on the 8th of june, 1986.

we can remember because we recorded it down. not because we remembered.

so now on, i'll put dates in my posts. each blog might be insignificant but i'd like to see dates with them. it's another way to remind myself how fast time is slipping away. like the flow of water in the river.

Ive been reading bout the philosophy of time this weekend. here. u might feel bored or wont even bother with all the complicated and complex explaination about the word TIME but it's really intresting overall. that's when i know the fact that time travelling is actually possible!(nothing is impossible, 5000 years ago human thought it's impossible to solve 6+5 only using ur fingers) .but i think by the time human could actually create a timemachine like Dr. Emmit Brown do in the movie "Back to the Future 1 2 3 4", my great grand children would have already been dead that time.

*( a survey: wat would girl do if they can turn back time?
ans : choose to be single)
just a small survey from a fren of mine, maybe she's just too free =P so what do u think?


anyway..


i'll never say something like "if only i can turn back time".
If time can be turned back, every moment now wouldnt be so precious.




...

p/s : approximately a hundred and forty five seconds slipped away while ure reading this.

Monday November28 2005

nothing special.

blogging is like talking to the wall, with listeners behind it.

wait, im not a superstar or any popular kid in the town, who the heck cares if i ate pasta today or late for a meeting or use darlie to brush my teeth?
but still, peoples blog. they got the desire like anyone else do, they wants to be heard.

well,u placed it there, and now it's their problem whether they wanna read it or not. u dont know whether there's anyone or someone u dont know at all is reading ur blog, tat's y i say listeners are always behind the wall. and till then, u continue talking, and hopefully, you'd be heard like u wanted to be.

-it's just another normal day in my life, nothing special happened that is happening enough to be mention here. tat's when i think, "what if i didnt do anyhting in a long whole day?" like being shackled on my bed and i couldnt do anything for that particular long whole day.

well, i think, as long as my brain is not dead, as long as there's oxygen floating in my room, as long as the sun rises as usual, there will be something to write about.
and
it definitely wont be something tat sounds like this
"im so boring today,i got nothing to do. i slept from 10am till 6 pm on my bed."

...

*the Victoria lake might seems to be a little bit peaceful today, but u can never see wat's happening underneath it.*

Listen to me.

maybe writing is the only way to share my thoughts , i think.

because im useless, helpless if i dont write.
when i dont write, im just another walking corpse with eyes opened.
when i dont write, im just like a man without an identity , feeling unclear about himself, unclear about things happened around him , unclear about love, unclear about ppls. i might get lost in the world of complicated emotions.

so,i know i must write, to live.

izzit happy to write ? i ask myself.

NO, writing only can make ppl feel peaceful, the chaotic type of peaceful. like a foodchain under the sea, like the dark clouds hidden behind the rainbow, like a war under the lovely town. it's a never-ending confusion lies within the beautiful mind of the writer. awakening the nightmare in ur deepest thought while putting them together with the angels in ur soul.
Imagine ure controlling so many things in your writing and in the mean time ure controlled by all the things ure writing bout, at that very moment u fell into a situation, into the world of your imagination, which when this minute it feels like heaven and the next might hurts like hell.

but no matter what the feeling is, certainly it's not meant to be happiness.

I write to record. to put down wat i had in mind ( if only we can do it like Mr.Dumberdoor (x) in Harry Potter). to give my missing soul a softer place to land. and i write, as a prove of my existance.

so no matter wat kinda mood swing brought me here writing today, here i started or should i say CONTINUE writing down my luxurious adventure. the fabulous adventure of my heart & soul.



Darren